My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
