I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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