it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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