in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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