pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
