Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
