Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
