Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
