Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
