Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
