sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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