thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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