Did you just see the Batmobile???
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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