Jerry, you need to find god
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
