god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
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I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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