I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you didnt know i had herpes?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
