I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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