Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize