his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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