Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
