can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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