remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
