my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
