Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
