Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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