1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
