Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
