Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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