took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
