I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
