apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
