saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
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