So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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