We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Someone came in the potted fern
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
