I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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