so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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