put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
