i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
