Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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