I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
