i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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