Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
