i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
