I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
