Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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