Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize