As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
