Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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