Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
