stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
