Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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