so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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