This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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