I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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