Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
