I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
