clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
