so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
